I feel like writing..pt 2

So anyways to get back on track at my original point about being confused.. My # 7 is Nathan, and I really hope this is my one and only and my last b/c I CAN NOT HANDLE ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP! [I probably shouldn't be putting this all online but I just gotta get all these thoughts out.] I'm just scared. like not even scared. I'm TERRIFIED. I'm so sick of getting burned. I'm so sick of pouring my heart and soul into something and then the person changes or becomes a psycho-path. LOL. I'm sick of in the beginning being treated like a princess only for a month or two later be treated like the scraps you toss down your garbage disposal. Like I put Nathan on this pedestal right, and this weekend it just fell to the ground and smashed into a thousand pieces. I'm not saying I lost love for him or that we are over. I am just saying I have my guard up now and I HATE IT. I absolutely hate it. Like writing this write now. I feel pain, agony, I feel like my heart was sitting on that pedestal when it smashed to pieces... I just feel like crying and never stopping but I have shed so many tears that I can't cry anymore. I want to trust, I want to love, FREELY. The thing that sucks the most is I can hear "I love you" a million and 1 times a day but until I see that. I won't believe it, not anymore. I need security to know that I am the only woman that matters in his life [except his mom, cause she rocks, well all his female family memebers are excluded lol] and I don't know if he can give that to me, and it hurts.. it hurts really bad..