Paragraph evalutation #2

There is a pretty big difference on my outline and first draft. I added transition words and a little more detail. In draft #2, I only changed a few errors because the person checking my paragraph didn't give me advice on content, but just gave me advice on some punctuation errors. I think comment is great but I think we need more than one person to review our work because not everyone in the class has the knowledge to grade it. I still think my paragraph could be a little more interesting or better. I just don't know how. I spent about 20 minutes revising my drafts.